What to Say in Counselling When You Don’t Know Where to Start

I often have clients that sit across from me and start our sessions with 'I don't really know what to say'.

They can often feel embarassed or like they are getting in wrong. But I understand. Sitting down for counselling can feel strangely exposing when your mind goes blank.

Before your session you may even have had those moments where you think 'I need to bring that up in counselling this week'. And yet when you get here - it's like it all disappears. .

But actually, it's totally ok if your mind goes blank. Or if you have no idea what on earth we'll take about for 50 minutes. You do not need a polished story, a clear problem, or the “right” thing to say. Counselling is one of the few places where you can begin with uncertainty and still be doing it properly.

Starting counselling can be as simple as naming what is hard to name.

You can start by saying you do not know

So if a client says to me 'I don't know what to talk about this week' then we can sit with that for a bit. I'm not going to see it as as awkward, or a waste of time. In fact in that 'I don't know' you can be communicating a lot to me. Sometimes we don't always need the words to say what we mean.

If you feel comfortable to we'll start exploring that a bit more. We'll unpick if there are any blocks here like -

"I'm not sure if this is a big enough reason to be here."

"I feel like I should have this figured out."

"I feel nervous saying things out loud."

"Part of me wants to talk and part of me doesn't."

I get that it can feel so difficult to start opening up so we go at your pace. I'm never going to push you to talk, or explain or even understand your experiences. Instead I sit alongside you in what you are going through.

Use your body as a starting point

Sometimes feelings are hard to name, but bodily sensations are easier to describe. This can be especially helpful if you are anxious, numb, grieving, stressed, or used to pushing through. So we may start exploring how you feel physically right now.

This could be:

• “My chest feels tight.”

• “I feel heavy.”

• “I can’t relax.”

• “I feel tense all the time.”

• “I feel disconnected, like I’m watching myself.”

• “I get a knot in my stomach when I think about it.”

  
  

You do not need to know whether the feeling is sadness, fear, anger, shame, or something else. The body often gives clues before the mind has words.

I'll help you notice patterns. For example, the tight chest may appear when you talk about family. The numbness may show up when you mention work. The knot in your stomach may arrive when you think about a decision you keep avoiding.

That does not mean the answer will appear instantly. It simply gives us both somewhere to begin.

A glimpse of my counselling space

It's ok to bring some notes

Sometimes clients come with a list or a few words they've written before the session. This can be helpful to do beforehand if you are worried your mind will go blank. It doesn't need to be ordered, make sense or very long.

You could write for example:

• What has felt hardest recently

• Any changes in sleep, appetite, mood, or energy

• A relationship or situation that keeps coming to mind

• Something you are scared to say

• What you hope might feel different one day

  
  

You don't have to do this but it can be one approach if you are worried about not saying anything. We can also do this together at the beginning of the session if writing is easier than talking.

Thoughts can become clearer when there is less pressure to explain everything at once.

If you go silent, that still counts

Silence in counselling can feel uncomfortable, especially if you are used to filling gaps or reassuring other people. Yet silence can be part of our work.

You might be thinking. You might be trying not to cry. You might be checking whether it is safe to say something. You might not know what you feel yet.

If silence feels awkward, it's ok to name it:

• “I don’t know what’s happening, but I’ve gone quiet.”

• “I feel embarrassed.”

• “I’m trying to find the words.”

• “I think I’m scared of what I’ll say.”

• “I need a minute.”

  
  

We can then allow some space or explore this together. I don't judge you or expect you to perform. However you are in your session is fine by me.

Ask me to help you find a starting point

It is fine to ask me for more structure. Some people prefer open space. Others need questions, prompts, or a clear focus.

You can ask me to lead our session whether by talking or offering an activity. If we are outside this may be an ecotherapy practice to help us regulate. If indoors this could be using some art materials to help us be inspired. When online this could be using metaphors to help us describe how we are feeling.

Counselling is collaborative. You are not expected to lead every minute. If you feel lost, I'll help shape the conversation.

A few honest words can be enough for the next session.

The main thing to remember

You do not need to arrive with a clear topic. You can start with confusion, silence, nerves, or one unfinished sentence.

A good first step is simply to say, “I don’t know where to start.” From there, we can begin to find the shape of what needs attention. The work does not begin when you explain everything perfectly. It begins when you let yourself be honest about where you are.